Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Restroom Wars

I've decided to weigh in on this whole gender restroom thing that is being
so hotly debated by the courts and state legislators ... of mostly southern
states I can't help but notice.

First of all, speaking as a guy, I don't mind if women, whether identifying
as men or women, come in our restroom. I'd really rather have a woman next
to me in the stall wanting to know if I had a 'square to spare' than former
Congressman Larry Craig trying to play footsies with me.  And if there are
any women who'd like to take a shot at a urinal, like any guy, I'd be
interested in the mechanics of how that would work.

And how would our Founding Fathers weigh in on this debacle? That's how
right-wingers usually like to address Constitutional issues, isn't it?  Did
our forefathers even have bathrooms?  History books are noticeably silent on
the bathroom habits of the colonials; and I have yet to see a PBS
documentary titled, 'Bathroom habits of our Founding Fathers,' which would
undoubtedly be sponsored by the Koch Brothers Foundation, which is used to
wading in doo-doo. I always figured our forefathers just went in buckets,
and then dumped the buckets out the windows. Which likely explains the total
lack of peeping Tom's back in colonial days.

But then I start wondering just what rights the States, or any other
government for that matter, have to impose any kind of rules on where we wee
or dump.  You see, with notable exceptions (public rest stops, public
buildings), the government doesn't provide a place for us to do our business
in the first place. We have to rely on gas stations, which, after stealing
from us at the pump, are somewhat obligated to provide a place for us to
vacate. Especially considering the harm their product causes to our air. Or
we go to restaurants, like the Golden Arches of McDonalds, for our, um,
golden showers. 

(Norm, you didn't just write that, did you?) 

Um, yeah, sorry

But it's McDonalds and gas stations that give us a place to go when our
kidneys need to empty out that Big Gulp or 18.6 ounce can of Monster Energy
Drink. They pay for the toilet paper, the water, the heat, the soap and for
upkeep.  They pay for the parking, the safe environment, and the lighting. 

So what right does the government have to tell men not to go into a women's
restroom (or vice versa),  or men-who-identify-as-women from going in a
women's restroom (or vice versa again)? 

I say none!  

Either stay out of our business, or let us go on the side of a tree, like
our Founding Fathers intended!

Norm Cowie

Norm is an award-winning columnist and founder of the Humor Writers of
America. He has authored nine books, mostly humor. Visit Norm at

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